how i met my neighbor dennis

national friendship day was July 30, and today is August 16, so i am only a few days overdue, but i would like to tell the story of how i met my neighbor Dennis. 

i had just moved into the neighborhood; new job, new city, and nobody but me, myself, and i. after my first week at a new job, i decided to make it a tradition to go to the Denny's restaurant every Saturday morning. i finished my grand slam and went to the front to pay. i went to reach for my wallet, and to my surprise i had forgotten it. while i had beaten the breakfast rush at first, but now the breakfast rush had arrived and let me tell you, they were hungry. the herd of angry Denny's restaurant patrons waiting for their chance at a grand slam shouted at me. i will never forget some of the lines i heard echoing through the Denny's restaurant: "arrest him!", "take his shoes, shirt, and watch!", "you will burn in hell!" however, the one line i will never forget for the rest of my life: "i will pay for it." just as i'm having my own "all is lost" moment, someone comes in for the rescue. that someone happened to be my neighbor Dennis. i kindly thanked the gentleman and asked if there was any way to repay him. Dennis looked me in the eyes and replied, "no, just call me Dennis." i shook his hand and the entire lobby of the Denny's restaurant began to chant, "Denny's Dennis." 

it wasn't until about two months later when we both happened to be checking our mail at the same time when we discovered we were actually neighbors. i have never repaid Dennis for that grand slam, but i did lend him some of my gardening tools and have never seen them again so i figure we're even at this point. 

craigslist.org/forsale/home/kitchen/#1pilotmug

FOR SALE: #1 Pilot Mug

giving away this mug that says "number #1 pilot". my neighbor dennis gave it to me and it is driving me insane. i never really wanted this mug to begin with. i am not even a pilot, but more importantly, ever since dennis gave it to me, i have been hearing and seeing things in my house. for the last twenty-two nights, somebody has been walking up to my bedroom door at exactly 2:42am, knocking three times, and yelling "A CLOSED MOUTH CATCHES NO FLIES." i have to admit, the first few times this scared the absolute shit out of me. i am not exactly sure why they yell that at me, but i've been sure to keep my lips sealed on office gossip in hopes that maybe it stops. after i realized this was not going to stop, i decided to tell my boss and ask if i could come in to work later because of my unusual situation. it took some convincing, but now i just stay up until 2:42am every night, wait for it to happen, and then go to bed. i’ve also been seeing what appears to be a man in a pilot’s uniform around my house. my only guess is that he is the #1 pilot. this all went from rattling my bones to just making mad. i would like for this to stop, i've had about all i can take with it. 

i'm willing to part with the mug for free, but i wouldn't mind some form of compensation as i had to go to the trouble of switching my work schedule around for it. it's a good mug otherwise.  

i am never starting a garden again

i am never starting a garden again. i know i've said this before, but i mean it this time. owning a garden is a full-time job. i already have a full-time job and that job is not tending to a garden. last time it was the slugs, and i came to terms with that. this time is irreparable. when my neighbor, (who is allowing me to use his name this time around) Dennis, pointed out that i wasn't using any mulch in my garden, i quickly drove down to the walmart and bought a bag of mulch. what my neighbor Dennis failed to mention about mulch is that he has no idea what he's talking about when it comes to mulch. Dennis, a mostly good guy, really screwed me over here though. when i eagerly arrived home with my heaping bag of mulch, Dennis moseyed on over to help. our conversation went exactly as follows: 

me: Dennis, i bought my mulch from the walmart

Dennis: that looks like a great bag of mulch, that should do

me: thanks for your help, Dennis

Dennis: no problem

me: let's get mulching

Dennis: let's

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me: Dennis, i think you just ruined my garden

Dennis: unfortunately i think you're right

i am never starting a garden ever again, again.