the movie "firewall" starring harrison ford portrays having a family really well

i just rented "firewall" (2006) starring harrison ford from redbox and i thought it did an excellent job of portraying what it would be like to have a family. i do not have any kids myself, but i've been around enough to have a good idea. in the movie, jack stanfield (harrison ford) portrays a security specialist who is forced to rob a bank that he works for in order to pay off his family's ransom. what a plot. 

while the movie was the dictionary definition of a nail biter, i found myself focused more on what it would be like if i started my own family one day. after the movie concluded and about nine minutes into staring blankly at the tv as the title screen played on a loop, i went back to watch the opening scene. it just has all of the classic elements you would find in having your own family: a father in a business suit, a happy wife (virginia madsen) who makes the morning pot of coffee, and two kids (carly schroder and jimmy bennett) who are just too occupied with themselves to give their hardworking dad the time of day. if this is not what immediately comes to mind when you think "family", then slap a red nose on me,  put my hair in pigtails, and call me Loonette from "the big comfy couch", because i have no idea what a family is supposed to look like. 

list of excuses for not having my pie at the work party tomorrow

it's 11:32 pm and i just burnt my pie for the work party tomorrow. i have really done it this time. when nellie asked us who would take brad's spot in bringing the pie since nobody has heard from him in forty-seven days, i thought this would be the perfect opportunity to show i can bake a mean pie myself. i can't let them know that i can't actually bake, so now i need an excuse as to why i don't have a pie at tomorrow's work party.

list of excuses for not having my pie tomorrow:

• look them all in the eye and repeatedly say, "pie?"
• call in sick with constipation 
• "somebody stole it off my windowsill"
• "i thought brad was bringing the pie"
• "i know we said pie, but how about a few boxes of animal crackers?"
• "a clown got a hold of it and pie'd someone"
• "i think marsha in accounting ate it" (sorry marsha)

as i weigh my options, i am beginning to think i may need to just pull a brad and disappear. updates to come. 

the only celebrity i've ever met

the only celebrity i've ever met was channing tatum. when i met channing tatum, i did not know channing tatum was a celebrity. to me, channing tatum was just a generous giant helping me out. 

the other day when i was flipping through channels, i came across a flick on the tnt called "white house down". i don't get to see movies often because my bladder does not allow me to. occasionally my neighbor Dennis and his family will invite me and it is hard to say no to that. anyway, after about ten minutes into the movie "white house down" i realized, that's channing tatum from the sublime with rome concert. 

i met channing tatum back at a free sublime with rome concert at my local outdoor mall. as always, sublime with rome were putting on quite the show. i didn't have the best view of the stage and found myself jumping up and down to get a better look. the man behind me could sense my struggle and offered to lift me on his shoulders. without hesitation i took the  giant's offer. we didn't say much during the concert because we were both enjoying it so much, but afterwards he kindly lowered me off of his broad shoulders and said, "that was one of the best shows of my life" to which i replied "yes." he shook my hand and said, "i'm channing tatum, want to grab a beer?" i thanked him and kindly told him "no" as we parted ways. i can't vouch for every celebrity, but i know one thing to be true, channing tatum is a class act.

i am never starting a garden again

i am never starting a garden again. i know i've said this before, but i mean it this time. owning a garden is a full-time job. i already have a full-time job and that job is not tending to a garden. last time it was the slugs, and i came to terms with that. this time is irreparable. when my neighbor, (who is allowing me to use his name this time around) Dennis, pointed out that i wasn't using any mulch in my garden, i quickly drove down to the walmart and bought a bag of mulch. what my neighbor Dennis failed to mention about mulch is that he has no idea what he's talking about when it comes to mulch. Dennis, a mostly good guy, really screwed me over here though. when i eagerly arrived home with my heaping bag of mulch, Dennis moseyed on over to help. our conversation went exactly as follows: 

me: Dennis, i bought my mulch from the walmart

Dennis: that looks like a great bag of mulch, that should do

me: thanks for your help, Dennis

Dennis: no problem

me: let's get mulching

Dennis: let's

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me: Dennis, i think you just ruined my garden

Dennis: unfortunately i think you're right

i am never starting a garden ever again, again. 

getting punched in the face

getting punched in the face would really be something. getting punched in the face would stick with you your entire life. getting punched in the face would lead to answering, "yes i have been punched in the face" when someone asks, "have you ever been punched in the face?" getting punched in the face would really hurt. getting punched in the face could also be really cool, but it depends on who is punching you in the face. getting punched in the face by someone like al roker would be cool because he would probably apologize after and it probably wouldn't hurt that bad. getting punched in the face by someone really big like the hulk could really be damning. getting punched in the face could land you some big bucks with a lawsuit. getting punched in the face is not something i would invite, but if the stars aligned, i wouldn't mind it. getting punched in the face could fix a deviated septum if that's a problem you have. getting punched in the face would be the most significant thing to happen to me that i can think of. getting punched in the face in front of your friends would be humiliating, but as long as you live through it, you would probably laugh with them later. getting punched in the face would probably make you a better person. maybe getting punched in the face is something everyone should experience, just once. 

some words freak me out

some words freak me out, man. sometimes when i stare long enough at certain words they begin to look...weird. the word, "enough" does not look right to me. something is supremely off about that word and i do not like it. enough. i'm sorry, i had to type it out again just to make sure i spelled it correctly. nonetheless, i am once again, freaked out by words. it's typically just the way the words look, but sometimes what the words mean can rattle my bones. i'm doing my best to not let any words ruin my day anymore. unfortunately there are times when a word gets the best of me, and i just have to take the rest of the day off. here's a list of some other words that just really give me the willies:

• science
• colon
• fossil
• chimpanzee
• marmalade (marmalade itself freaks me out, what is marmalade)
• barrel
• double album (i know, two words)
• fat
• put
• prandial (?)
• multimedia
• the marines
• saccular 
• gauntlet
• orientation

the saying, "words are just words" should be on halloween decor, that shit is freaky.

the other night

the other night i awoke to the sound of somebody rustling in my kitchen. this scared me doubly so because i live alone. instead of getting out of bed to check on who was terrorizing my home, i decided to go back to sleep and just let it happen to me. for some reason i had absolutely no issue with just falling right back asleep as i got ransacked. the next morning, i woke up asking myself whether it was a dream that someone marauded the shit out of my home or not. i got out of bed to go see if there was any damage. to my complete surprise, they took literally everything in my home. this was a shock because when i had gotten out of bed, i had decided that i was just having a dream. i wanted to be angry, but i knew i just didn't have the right to be. from me playing myself, to the fact that they managed to steal my antique bookshelf that required a dolly to carry out; this was impressive on every level. these guys earned everything they stole from me.