the year 2021

no funny business. just everything i watched and listened to in 2021.

first-time albums/ep’s:

1. Four Tops - Still Waters Run Deep (1970)
2. Bee Gees -  Children of the World (1976)
3. Grimes - Miss Anthropocene (Rave Edition) (2021)
4. Water From Your Eyes - Somebody Else’s Songs (2020)
5. Oh Sees - Weirdo Hairdo (2021)
6. Paul McCartney - McCartney (1970)
7. Made Violent - Wannabe (2021)
8. Pearl Charles - Magic Mirror (2021)
9. Midnight Sister - Painting the Roses (2021)
10. Beach Bunny - Blame Game EP (2021)
11. Hether - Sticky Thumb (2021)
12. Danielle Durack - No Place (2021)
13. My Ugly Clementine - Vitamin C (2020)
14. Lande Hekt - Going to Hell (2021)
15. Kiwi Jr. - Cooler Returns (2021)
16. Widowspeak - Honeychurch EP (2021)
17. Madeline Kenney - Summer Quarter EP (2021)
18. Still Corners - The Last Exit (2021)
19. Zella Day - Where Does the Devil Hide EP (2020)
20. Leyya - Sauna (2018)
21. Nice Biscuit - Create Simulate EP (2021)
22. Pillow Queens - In Waiting (2020)
23. The Buildings - Cell-O-Phane (2016)
24. Lia Ices - Family Album (2021)
25. Weezer - Okay Human (2021)
26. The Vaughns - F.O.M.O. (2019)
27. The Weather Station - Ignorance (2021)
28. Sun June - Somewhere (2021)
29. Vampire Weekend - 40:42 (2021)
30. Miss Gritt - Imposter EP (2021)
31. The Staves - Good Woman (2021)
32. Tele Novella - Merlynn Belle (2021)
33. Naked Days - My Head Hurts (2021)
34. Nana Yamato - Yoakemae (Before Sunrise) (2021)
35. FRITZ - Pastel (2021)
36. Steady Holiday - Take the Corners Gently (2021)
37. Claud - Super Monster (2021)
38. Lou Turner - Songs for John Venn (2021)
39. Pale Waves - Who Am I? (2021)
40. Daniel Romano - How Ill Thy World Is Ordered (2020)
41. Molly Payton - Porcupine EP (2021)
42. Katy Kirby - Cool Dry Place (2021)
43. Cassandra Jenkins - An Overview of Phenomenal Nature (2021)
44. Another Michael - New Music and Big Pop (2021)
45. Hand Habits - Dirt EP (2021)
46. Wild Pink - A Billion Little Lights (2021)
47. Widows Peak - All Yours (2015)
48. King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard - L.G. (2021)
49. Sydney Sprague - maybe i will see you at the end of the world (2021)
50. Kyle Edward Connolly - On Arrival (2021)

i just got a flu shot and oh boy am i feeling weird

i just went to the CVS and got my flu shot. when i arrived at the CVS, i was happy to see they were administering the shots in the middle of the store. i was happy because i knew people would be able to see me getting my shot, which meant that those people would feel safe being around me, knowing they couldn't possibly get the flu. i was next to get my shot when a very large woman holding two very large dutch looking twin boys approached me.

the very large woman and her dutch twins stared at me for what felt like my entire life, so much so that i was wondering if they were actually there and if anyone else in the store could see them. finally the very large woman opened her mouth and said, "you know those shots are a hoax right?" i replied, "no sorry i don't smoke." and then she said, "what?" and i said "what?" she finally repeated herself saying, "no, i said, you know those shots are a hoax right?" 

just as the very large woman finished repeating herself, doctor Chris told me it was my turn for my shot. the very large woman and her dutch children stood over me in the middle of the CVS as she watched me get my shot. she continued to say things like, "i hope you don't plan on having children because they'll come out screwed up now" and "congratulations you now have a tracking device in you." 

while doctor Chris had the needle in my arm, he explained there might be some soreness for the day. the very large woman interrupted doctor Chris and said, "the soreness is the tracking device making its way through your bloodstream." up until this point doctor Chris had kept his cool, but this is the straw that broke the camel's back. doctor Chris turned to the woman and said, "ma'am, i know you're not a doctor because a doctor would never say something so asinine, but if you want to spend your time advising people with false information, then i suggest you study medicine for eight years first." 

at this point, people at the CVS began filming the situation and the flu shot needle was still in my arm. i asked doctor Chris if i should take the needle out, but he seemed too distracted by the very large woman saying she was going to "sue him for everything he had." i decided to take the needle out on my own and walk out of the CVS. 

i'm not entirely sure if i have the flu shot in me or if i have more than i should, but oh boy am i feeling weird. 

i keep seeing tom cruise in my dreams and i can't stop calling him "thomas cruise"

it started two weeks ago when i had a dream about being late to work. in my dream, i hopped in my car and sped down the road. speeding only gets you in trouble as i learned. a cop pulled me over immediately. the cop that pulled me over happened to be tom cruise. thee tom cruise. he lifted up his visor, and i immediately recognized that cunning smile. tom let me off with a warning, and i graciously said, "thank you thomas cruise." he quickly corrected me and said, "just Tom." i said, "right, sorry, thomas cruise." "tom. just tom. not thomas" he said. 

in this dream i don't know what's up and what's down anymore, but i was suddenly at my desk in my office. everything seemed business as usual until tom cruise walked to my cubicle. he began asking for my reports as if he were my boss. i said, "sorry thomas, i just need a little more time." tom put his hand on my shoulder and in his tom cruise laugh said, "it's tom. it's not short for thomas. i've been tom my entire life." i apologized and suddenly awoke.

tom has appeared in so many of my dreams i'm convincing myself i know who he is, and for the life of me, i cannot get the poor guy's name right. it's killing me. i've been practicing writing out his name in hopes that it helps the dream version of myself remember. 

ants kill 30 people a year and i'm thinking that's a lot

ants kill 30 people a year and i'm thinking that's a lot. 

i was having a box of late night cracker jacks, bad of me i know, but it's friday and i'm unwinding. the "prize" i received in my box of jacks was a little booklet of fun facts. some of the facts: squirrels are the cause of most power outages (i like that one), a woman lost her wedding ring and found it 16 years later on a carrot in her garden (wow), and ants kill 30 people a year. this is the fact that turned what was briefly a highlight of my night into a bit of an existential crisis. 

i put my box of jacks down and went to the google. i searched: how do you die by ants. according to the google, people often fall asleep near anthills and die from being bitten by so many ants. i am currently rethinking my entire approach to laying in the grass. if 30 people do this a year and i live to be 80, then 2400 people will have died from ants in my lifetime. i would have to do some deeper thinking, but i don't think i've even talked to 2400 people in my life so that number is a bit freaky. i'm pretty sure i have stepped on more than 2400 ants in my life. 

if someone had asked me, "how many people do you think die from ants a year?" i would have probably said, "can you repeat that?" and they would repeat it, and i'd say, "do you mean ants or aunts?" hopefully they would reply and say "ants, not aunts" and put emphasis on the "u" in "aunts" so i knew what was what. my reply then would have been something like, "i'm not sure" because it never occurred to me until now. now i can ask others and if anyone ever asks me, i can reply with, "30 people die every year, and 2400 people will have died if i live to be 80 years old." wow.

i became a little sidetracked in my research and discovered that there are no lists online about the foods that have fun facts on the packaging. i decided to make a list of the one's i can think:

-laffy taffy (not fun facts but fun jokes)

-cracker jacks (inside the box)

that's about all i got right now.

if you believe in astrology, you should lead with an apology

if you believe in astrology, you should lead with an apology. looking to the stars for answers as to whether a person having the same toothpaste tube for several months is alarming or just them being frugal is a perfectly good use of the stars. looking to the stars and questioning why a man holding two belts was asking you if you knew where the nearest ralphs was and calling you clueless when you told him "no" is the exact reason the stars exist. looking to the stars and shouting, "why did my biology textbook from high school refer to humans as egg bearing beings" is why the stars are there for you. looking to the stars and begging for forgiveness for the one time you gave someone a can of beans as a gift because it was literally all you had to give, but now you're better off and could give more is precisely why the stars never disappear. looking to the stars and asking why she waited to pack her bags in the middle of the night and say she was going for a "quick run" when she could have just done it while you were at work, is why the stars always listen but never answer back. it's not that believing in astrology is wrong, it's just that believing in astrology is almost never right. this is why i always say, "i'm sorry i believe in astrology, do you mind if i scream at the stars for a minute."

panda express

panda express

you are the best

always better than the rest

that orange chicken bursts through my chest

and your broccoli beef

as you can guess

is not very good at all

i just left the hospital

i was doing my daily wall stares when i was interrupted by a phone call. i don't typically get many phone calls so i figured i should put my wall stares aside and answer it. when i picked up the phone it was a woman from the hospital. she informed me that my brother was in in a car accident. i immediately put a shirt on and rushed out the door. 

i arrived at the front desk and told them i was there to see my brother. the handsome woman i spoke to on the phone led me to my brother's room. when i walked in the room, i got one look at the guy and said, "that is not my brother." she asked if i was sure it wasn't my brother and i told her, "yes, i'm sure." just as i was ready to walk out, the man who was not my brother, began to wake up. the woman who mistakingly told me my brother was in the hospital, ran to get a doctor and left me alone with the man who was not my brother. i didn't know what to say or do so i just told the guy he was alive and that i was not the person who put him in the hospital. he didn't respond. the doctor came in and checked him out. i kept asking everyone who came in if i could leave since i didn't have anything to do with this. nobody seemed to even hear me so i just stuck around to make sure i wasn't needed any more. 

after an hour of doctors and nurses coming in and out, i finally found out the guy's name, it was Reggie. Reggie's wife (i think, i was not certain on their relationship), showed up and ignored my existence for about thirty minutes. she finally turned to me and asked who i was. i explained the situation to her and she said, "well if you have nothing to do with this, why are you still here?" i just stared her in the face and said, "i have no idea" and walked out the door. 

i just left the hospital, and the day has completely escaped me.