i keep seeing tom cruise in my dreams and i can't stop calling him "thomas cruise"

it started two weeks ago when i had a dream about being late to work. in my dream, i hopped in my car and sped down the road. speeding only gets you in trouble as i learned. a cop pulled me over immediately. the cop that pulled me over happened to be tom cruise. thee tom cruise. he lifted up his visor, and i immediately recognized that cunning smile. tom let me off with a warning, and i graciously said, "thank you thomas cruise." he quickly corrected me and said, "just Tom." i said, "right, sorry, thomas cruise." "tom. just tom. not thomas" he said. 

in this dream i don't know what's up and what's down anymore, but i was suddenly at my desk in my office. everything seemed business as usual until tom cruise walked to my cubicle. he began asking for my reports as if he were my boss. i said, "sorry thomas, i just need a little more time." tom put his hand on my shoulder and in his tom cruise laugh said, "it's tom. it's not short for thomas. i've been tom my entire life." i apologized and suddenly awoke.

tom has appeared in so many of my dreams i'm convincing myself i know who he is, and for the life of me, i cannot get the poor guy's name right. it's killing me. i've been practicing writing out his name in hopes that it helps the dream version of myself remember. 

ants kill 30 people a year and i'm thinking that's a lot

ants kill 30 people a year and i'm thinking that's a lot. 

i was having a box of late night cracker jacks, bad of me i know, but it's friday and i'm unwinding. the "prize" i received in my box of jacks was a little booklet of fun facts. some of the facts: squirrels are the cause of most power outages (i like that one), a woman lost her wedding ring and found it 16 years later on a carrot in her garden (wow), and ants kill 30 people a year. this is the fact that turned what was briefly a highlight of my night into a bit of an existential crisis. 

i put my box of jacks down and went to the google. i searched: how do you die by ants. according to the google, people often fall asleep near anthills and die from being bitten by so many ants. i am currently rethinking my entire approach to laying in the grass. if 30 people do this a year and i live to be 80, then 2400 people will have died from ants in my lifetime. i would have to do some deeper thinking, but i don't think i've even talked to 2400 people in my life so that number is a bit freaky. i'm pretty sure i have stepped on more than 2400 ants in my life. 

if someone had asked me, "how many people do you think die from ants a year?" i would have probably said, "can you repeat that?" and they would repeat it, and i'd say, "do you mean ants or aunts?" hopefully they would reply and say "ants, not aunts" and put emphasis on the "u" in "aunts" so i knew what was what. my reply then would have been something like, "i'm not sure" because it never occurred to me until now. now i can ask others and if anyone ever asks me, i can reply with, "30 people die every year, and 2400 people will have died if i live to be 80 years old." wow.

i became a little sidetracked in my research and discovered that there are no lists online about the foods that have fun facts on the packaging. i decided to make a list of the one's i can think:

-laffy taffy (not fun facts but fun jokes)

-cracker jacks (inside the box)

that's about all i got right now.

if you believe in astrology, you should lead with an apology

if you believe in astrology, you should lead with an apology. looking to the stars for answers as to whether a person having the same toothpaste tube for several months is alarming or just them being frugal is a perfectly good use of the stars. looking to the stars and questioning why a man holding two belts was asking you if you knew where the nearest ralphs was and calling you clueless when you told him "no" is the exact reason the stars exist. looking to the stars and shouting, "why did my biology textbook from high school refer to humans as egg bearing beings" is why the stars are there for you. looking to the stars and begging for forgiveness for the one time you gave someone a can of beans as a gift because it was literally all you had to give, but now you're better off and could give more is precisely why the stars never disappear. looking to the stars and asking why she waited to pack her bags in the middle of the night and say she was going for a "quick run" when she could have just done it while you were at work, is why the stars always listen but never answer back. it's not that believing in astrology is wrong, it's just that believing in astrology is almost never right. this is why i always say, "i'm sorry i believe in astrology, do you mind if i scream at the stars for a minute."

panda express

panda express

you are the best

always better than the rest

that orange chicken bursts through my chest

and your broccoli beef

as you can guess

is not very good at all

i just left the hospital

i was doing my daily wall stares when i was interrupted by a phone call. i don't typically get many phone calls so i figured i should put my wall stares aside and answer it. when i picked up the phone it was a woman from the hospital. she informed me that my brother was in in a car accident. i immediately put a shirt on and rushed out the door. 

i arrived at the front desk and told them i was there to see my brother. the handsome woman i spoke to on the phone led me to my brother's room. when i walked in the room, i got one look at the guy and said, "that is not my brother." she asked if i was sure it wasn't my brother and i told her, "yes, i'm sure." just as i was ready to walk out, the man who was not my brother, began to wake up. the woman who mistakingly told me my brother was in the hospital, ran to get a doctor and left me alone with the man who was not my brother. i didn't know what to say or do so i just told the guy he was alive and that i was not the person who put him in the hospital. he didn't respond. the doctor came in and checked him out. i kept asking everyone who came in if i could leave since i didn't have anything to do with this. nobody seemed to even hear me so i just stuck around to make sure i wasn't needed any more. 

after an hour of doctors and nurses coming in and out, i finally found out the guy's name, it was Reggie. Reggie's wife (i think, i was not certain on their relationship), showed up and ignored my existence for about thirty minutes. she finally turned to me and asked who i was. i explained the situation to her and she said, "well if you have nothing to do with this, why are you still here?" i just stared her in the face and said, "i have no idea" and walked out the door. 

i just left the hospital, and the day has completely escaped me. 

how i met my neighbor dennis

national friendship day was July 30, and today is August 16, so i am only a few days overdue, but i would like to tell the story of how i met my neighbor Dennis. 

i had just moved into the neighborhood; new job, new city, and nobody but me, myself, and i. after my first week at a new job, i decided to make it a tradition to go to the Denny's restaurant every Saturday morning. i finished my grand slam and went to the front to pay. i went to reach for my wallet, and to my surprise i had forgotten it. while i had beaten the breakfast rush at first, but now the breakfast rush had arrived and let me tell you, they were hungry. the herd of angry Denny's restaurant patrons waiting for their chance at a grand slam shouted at me. i will never forget some of the lines i heard echoing through the Denny's restaurant: "arrest him!", "take his shoes, shirt, and watch!", "you will burn in hell!" however, the one line i will never forget for the rest of my life: "i will pay for it." just as i'm having my own "all is lost" moment, someone comes in for the rescue. that someone happened to be my neighbor Dennis. i kindly thanked the gentleman and asked if there was any way to repay him. Dennis looked me in the eyes and replied, "no, just call me Dennis." i shook his hand and the entire lobby of the Denny's restaurant began to chant, "Denny's Dennis." 

it wasn't until about two months later when we both happened to be checking our mail at the same time when we discovered we were actually neighbors. i have never repaid Dennis for that grand slam, but i did lend him some of my gardening tools and have never seen them again so i figure we're even at this point. 

craigslist.org/forsale/home/kitchen/#1pilotmug

FOR SALE: #1 Pilot Mug

giving away this mug that says "number #1 pilot". my neighbor dennis gave it to me and it is driving me insane. i never really wanted this mug to begin with. i am not even a pilot, but more importantly, ever since dennis gave it to me, i have been hearing and seeing things in my house. for the last twenty-two nights, somebody has been walking up to my bedroom door at exactly 2:42am, knocking three times, and yelling "A CLOSED MOUTH CATCHES NO FLIES." i have to admit, the first few times this scared the absolute shit out of me. i am not exactly sure why they yell that at me, but i've been sure to keep my lips sealed on office gossip in hopes that maybe it stops. after i realized this was not going to stop, i decided to tell my boss and ask if i could come in to work later because of my unusual situation. it took some convincing, but now i just stay up until 2:42am every night, wait for it to happen, and then go to bed. i’ve also been seeing what appears to be a man in a pilot’s uniform around my house. my only guess is that he is the #1 pilot. this all went from rattling my bones to just making mad. i would like for this to stop, i've had about all i can take with it. 

i'm willing to part with the mug for free, but i wouldn't mind some form of compensation as i had to go to the trouble of switching my work schedule around for it. it's a good mug otherwise.